Clarification: When I write, I don't prepare or organize my ideas, I just write what I would say if I was talking to you in person, so sometimes my blogs end up a little messy. I don't even proof-read what I write before posting it so you may find grammatical mistakes and poorly written sentences. Sometimes I'll read my blogs a day or two after publishing them and I may re-write things that weren't too clear and any embarrassing grammatical mistake. Also, English is not my first language, so I apologize if reading my blogs become a struggle. Of course, if this is the case, I would imagine you wouldn't continue reading.

Apr 27, 2009

USELESS THOUGHT OF THE DAY XVII: Nothing Good About Goodbyes

(Originally posted on October 5, 2005 at 2:49AM)


I accidentally erased my last blog, and that's why the number of this useless thought is VII and not VI. It was the lyrics for a JAMC song anyway, so not too much was really lost.


Well, oh well, here we are again, my dear readers (the three or four of you). This one goes into territory that I don't usually go to on MySpace, because I want to express as little as I can about myself, especially about my emotions and feelings, and save that for those who really want to get to know me at a personal level, those who are real friends, and those who perhaps will become my friends. I believe that all MySpace identities are fictional, maybe based on truth, but most of the personalities we perceive here are usually the combination of what the person believe he/she is, and what we 'create' in our minds after filling the gaps after reading what they have to say. I take advantage of this and take it to the next level, as some of you may know. That's the main reason I try not to use self descriptions, because self descriptions are usually wrong, even if the person is being honest. How many people believe they are smart when they're really not that smart? All of them? In any case, this blog is a thought, and it is useless as well, so I decided to write it and post it anyway.


I hate goodbyes. I get very uncomfortable in 'goodbyes situations' and I always try to avoid them. There might be several reasons for this. I dislike goodbyes even in everyday social situations, maybe because I feel I need to say goodbye to every person in the group which takes some valuable time. It's even worse when someone wants me to stay and I just want to leave. When I was in university in Venezuela I used to 'disappear' all the time when my university group of friends were hanging out. I perfected my act over the years to a point where it seemed magical. My friends called it 'the mute', and at first it bothered them, but eventually they got used to it. I still practice the mute once in a while so if I ever do it to you, do not take offense to it, and if you do, then fuck off.

When the goodbye is one of those that actually hurt I can get very anxious and do things that might not make sense, probably as a defense mechanism. The first 'big goodbye' I had to face was not when my brother died, or when my grandfather died. In my brother's case, I was still too young to comprehend anything and I still believed in god and the afterlife, so, for what I was told, he was in some cool place having fun. I really never thought about him until recently. He probably would have become a great bass player and with my other brother, we would have rocked the world a la Hanson! Well, maybe a little harder and more intensely, and definitely raising way more hell! Fuck yeah! In my grandpa's case, well, I think at the time of his death I was not very close to him. He was a very nice person, but I was a very confused young boy who didn't even remember when was the last time I talked to him. The first 'big goodbye' I remember was when my best friend Servando moved to another city. I remember the night before he left my other best friend, Johana, Servando, another friend, and I went to the movies. They were showing Braveheart. I was already feeling really sad, depressed, and confused when we stepped in the theater, and as the movie went along, I was trying with all my might not to cry. When William screams "freedom" before he died I almost lost it, but I managed to disguise my tears. When the movie was over, Servando and I ran outside as fast as we could. We were almost the same person at the time, and we both were probably thinking the same thing: let's run out and don't let anybody know we've been crying. Once outside we were able to joke a little and change our moods. I will always be biased about Braveheart, I love the movie and every single time I've seen it it has made me cry, so please don't play it for me, especially if I'm sad. After the movie, we went to the club where all our other friends were waiting to party for the last time with our dear friend. Oh my fucking god!, after a while everyone was drunk and crying like little girls. I tried to keep it together as much as I could, but very close to the end of the night I couldn't take it anymore and started balling. I think the only one who didn't cry was Servando himself.

I have been through some other tough goodbyes, like moving here, or braking up with girlfriends who were my best friends at the time, or even having friends who just faded away for some reason. All goodbyes suck. I hate goodbyes, and I hate them all, and I will have to face many more goodbyes, I know, but they are unavoidable, and sometimes, necessary. I guess one of the reasons I hate death so much is because it is the very last goodbye. If any of you are going to be at my funeral, let me tell you that I'm going to make things a little easier for you, because I'm going to put a very good compilation of songs to be played there, so you will get to hear good music and maybe make fun of me one last time. I will also write on my will that my mortician should put a huge smile on my face, because that's who I am, I wear a smile even when my eyes are sad. I might also have a sampler with some recordings inside my casket to make sure I scare the shit out of some of you. Of course, all of this will happen if I don't do a mute instead, and just vanish.


There are many songs I love, but there's only a few that can make me cry. I will write here the lyrics of this particular song that has that power. On this band's home video they show a bit of their last show, and before they started playing the song the singer talks about all the years he had spent with the guitar player making music, traveling the world, and being best friends, then he dries his eyes with his arm. That's when I always thank "god" that nobody is watching that video with me...

Farewell To You

Well it's time to say goodbye my friend
I'm glad you stayed until the end
I hope that you've enjoyed the time we spent
Though I know that I will be back again
I don't know just how soon my friend
Until we meet again just think of me
I'll think of you

It was easier to say hello
Than to say goodbye
Now the bus is leaving once again
I bid farewell to you

I remember all the fun we had
And all the tears when times were bad
But you were there when we were down and out
And I know that I will not forget
What was written and what was said
And who was there when we were not on top
Of the world

It was easier to say hello
Than to say goodbye
Now the bus is leaving once again
I bid farewell to you

Yes it's time to say auf Wiedersehn
Sayonara and ciao my friend
You'll always have a place within my heart
And rock will come and rock will go
The scene will change and time will show
But still I hope that you'll be there for me
I'll be there for you.

It was easier to say hello
Than to say goodbye
Now the bus is leaving once again
I bid farewell to you


This is for all of those who have shared a little bit of your lives with me, even those who's shining only lasted very few moments before fading away, even those who only shared their bad times, even those who hurt me, even those who hated me, to all of you, thank you, you made me who I am and I'm grateful for that, even if I'm just a lost soul.




Anonymous said...

I say say goodbye :)

CE54R said...

I say potato, you say potato :)

Unknown said...

perhaps it also has to do with your terrible sense of direction and that once you say goodbye and leave, you have NO IDEA where you are going.

CE54R said...

Valerie, although I did get my sense of direction from my mother, what you witnessed was an extreme case of it caused by the circumstances of that night. I could elaborate, but it might just sound like excuses. But yeah, when I got out of that apartment I had no clue where I was, but in this case I think it means something good.