First World Vampire Problems

 

 

I've always thought that being a vampire would be cool, mainly because they are immortal and goth chicks like them, and all those awesome superpowers are a nice bonus, but I've never thought about how inconvenient is their inability to see their own reflection. If you think about it for a minute, this is not as unimportant as it seems to be.

I'm not quite sure if that image they have in popular culture, that of a cool looking, almost model-like figure, with great style in clothing and hair, is nothing but a myth, it certainly can't be that accurate. I guess if they have a partner with good taste and who knows about these things this would be possible. They would need to be good at it themselves, in they want their partners to look good.

But think about the vampires who are single, they would be clueless about so many things, like hats and glasses, which you need to try on to make sure they are compatible with your face and head. Fortunately, vampires are nocturnal creatures, they don't really need hats or glasses, so they can just avoid them and not risk it.

But they could put themselves in scary situations if they aren't careful, like if they don't tip their hairdresser well. If he or she is a moody hairdresser who gets offended easily, the next time they could give our vampire friend the most ridiculous haircut and they would never know. And no one has the balls to tell a vampire that he looks like Pennywise from It.

But it's more terrifying than the risk of looking like Lady Gaga, what if they have a rash on their face, or a dead fly on their forehead, or a piece of broccoli stuck in their teeth, or a huge zit on the tip of their noses? What if they were partying and doing blow all night long and their nostrils look like the top of Mount Everest? They also wouldn't be able to know if they shaved their faces properly, and I can say this from experience, you need to pay close attention to details whenever you shave your face to not miss any spots, so I'm sure they just couldn't have that perfectly shaved face they always have in movies.

Of course, in a capitalist world this is a tremendous opportunity to make a buck, so I'm sure there would be places specialized in vampire image maintenance, but I don't recall one single instance where this type of business is mentioned in any of the vampire stories I've read or watched on TV or film. 

If vampires really existed, there would be a considerable amount of them suffering the consequences of of having no reflection. We would have Tom Cruise as Lestat with untrimmed nose hairs and a piece of a dead rat stuck in his teeth for half of the Interview With A Vampire film, if we wanted to make it more realistic, but I'm sure that the embellished image Hollywood give vampires is more appealing to the masses.

If I had the choice, I would still choose darkness and become a vampire, but a much more self-conscious vampire than I thought.